Why People Pleasing Isn’t Kindness (and What’s Underneath It)

Always putting others first? Struggling to say no? Worrying what people think? You might be stuck in a pattern of people pleasing — and while it can look like kindness, it often comes at a cost to you.

People pleasing isn’t about generosity. It’s about fear — of rejection, conflict, or not being good enough.

What People Pleasing Can Look Like

• Saying yes when you mean no

• Avoiding conflict at all costs

• Over-apologising or over-explaining

• Feeling guilty for having needs

• Basing your worth on others’ approval

You’re not being “too nice” — you’re trying to stay safe.

Where It Often Comes From

If you grew up in environments where love felt conditional, you may have learned that being useful, agreeable, or easy to be around was the only way to be accepted.

Your nervous system may still link authenticity with danger — so it fawns, appeases, and self-erases to protect you.

Signs You’re Ready to Break the Pattern

• Feeling resentful after always giving

• Craving deeper, more honest relationships

• Noticing you’ve lost touch with what you want

• Wanting to be liked, but also to be real

These are powerful signs of growth.

How to Start Putting Yourself Back In the Picture

• Pause before saying yes – Do you want to?

• Notice guilt, but don’t obey it – It’s a sign of old conditioning, not truth.

• Practise small no’s – You don’t have to explain or apologise.

• Reconnect with your own needs – They matter, too.

• Let discomfort be part of healing – Boundaries may feel “mean” at first. They’re not.

Final Thought

You don’t have to earn love by disappearing. The real you — messy, honest, human — is worthy of connection. It’s not selfish to take up space. It’s healing. And it’s brave.